Here is a synopsis of a few of the letters that I received just prior to the incident. To
access the full text, click on the date.
access the full text, click on the date.
March 13th 1999
I am so very sorry for last night. More ashamed that because of my selfishness, I
could and may have done irreversible harm or damage to Stephanie.
I realize that no matter how horrible I have treated you both, you both have stuck by
me.
I have been mad at you because you have, for my own good forced me to face my
demons and my problems. Made me stop the feel good lies and face the cruel reality
of life, that I have tried so hard to forget. The feel good lies were so easy for me to
believe, because they took away the hurt and the pain. I see that I was causing
others to feel the very same hurt and pain by lying.
I know that anyone else would have given up on me a long time ago. Many people did.
I know that I have been unfair to you and Stephanie, even blaming you for my
problems.
I feel that this is my last chance to get well.
July 3rd 1999
I have been desperate to get back home, but I will not go where I am not wanted.
Perhaps someday, I will be able to show you by my actions that I deserve to live at
the ranch.
Undated
You spent five years bringing me out of the pool I was drowning in. I beg you not to
toss me back in there. I have faced the ugly and I am still finding out the truth about
my past.
I will prove to you and Stephanie that I am better.
I will come to our home to get it cleaned up so you can have the time with Stephanie
to enjoy her. I will live in the two rooms and keep house for you and Stephanie. I will
not cook because you say that you would not eat.
I know it can work please let me show you. I will keep house and take Stephanie to
school in the morning. I won’t have any contact with you unless you ask.
September 26th 1999 ----- Just 2 months before the incident
I begin this letter by saying I am sorry. This is the last communication I will have with
you for sometime.
I understand the evil and hurt I have caused.
I know that without you I would be dead, the lies that hurt so much would have killed
in time.
My first thoughts are why go on when I feel I have lost everything.
If you deem it necessary for us to be separated and have no contact then I will trust
your judgement.
I want you to know that everything that I did and didn’t do wasn’t meant to hurt you. I
don’t understand why I didn’t stop sooner.
I am scared that I don’t have the strength to do what is right.
If it means that I must leave, then that’s what I will do. I will wait to hear from you and
will trust and abide by all your decisions.
P.S. I would still like to take Stephanie to Church if she wants to go and it is alright
with you. I wont come in the house and upset you.
Undated
The way I have been taught to deal with emotional problems was to ignore or deny
them in the hopes that they would go away. This does not always work. I have lied to
myself with such conviction that I end up believing the lie to be the truth.
I will not interfere any more.
I am so very sorry for last night. More ashamed that because of my selfishness, I
could and may have done irreversible harm or damage to Stephanie.
I realize that no matter how horrible I have treated you both, you both have stuck by
me.
I have been mad at you because you have, for my own good forced me to face my
demons and my problems. Made me stop the feel good lies and face the cruel reality
of life, that I have tried so hard to forget. The feel good lies were so easy for me to
believe, because they took away the hurt and the pain. I see that I was causing
others to feel the very same hurt and pain by lying.
I know that anyone else would have given up on me a long time ago. Many people did.
I know that I have been unfair to you and Stephanie, even blaming you for my
problems.
I feel that this is my last chance to get well.
July 3rd 1999
I have been desperate to get back home, but I will not go where I am not wanted.
Perhaps someday, I will be able to show you by my actions that I deserve to live at
the ranch.
Undated
You spent five years bringing me out of the pool I was drowning in. I beg you not to
toss me back in there. I have faced the ugly and I am still finding out the truth about
my past.
I will prove to you and Stephanie that I am better.
I will come to our home to get it cleaned up so you can have the time with Stephanie
to enjoy her. I will live in the two rooms and keep house for you and Stephanie. I will
not cook because you say that you would not eat.
I know it can work please let me show you. I will keep house and take Stephanie to
school in the morning. I won’t have any contact with you unless you ask.
September 26th 1999 ----- Just 2 months before the incident
I begin this letter by saying I am sorry. This is the last communication I will have with
you for sometime.
I understand the evil and hurt I have caused.
I know that without you I would be dead, the lies that hurt so much would have killed
in time.
My first thoughts are why go on when I feel I have lost everything.
If you deem it necessary for us to be separated and have no contact then I will trust
your judgement.
I want you to know that everything that I did and didn’t do wasn’t meant to hurt you. I
don’t understand why I didn’t stop sooner.
I am scared that I don’t have the strength to do what is right.
If it means that I must leave, then that’s what I will do. I will wait to hear from you and
will trust and abide by all your decisions.
P.S. I would still like to take Stephanie to Church if she wants to go and it is alright
with you. I wont come in the house and upset you.
Undated
The way I have been taught to deal with emotional problems was to ignore or deny
them in the hopes that they would go away. This does not always work. I have lied to
myself with such conviction that I end up believing the lie to be the truth.
I will not interfere any more.
Summary of Barb's Letters
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